Free Book--Brandi Whyne 1: Captured by Space Pirates!

I know how much people like free books, so check this one out... Brandi Whyne Chapter 1 is now absolutely FREE!



Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures--Chapter 1: Captured by Space Pirates!

 In Captured by Space Pirates! we meet our heroine, the strong-willed, hot-blooded Brandi Whyne. Brandi is a comely lass orphaned at a young age. Now twenty-two and working as a barmaid in hellhole spaceport, Brandi finds her virginity threatened. That is, until a tall, mysterious stranger waltzes into the bar and rescues her. To Brandi’s delight her rescuer turns out to be none other than the wickedly handsome Robin Manhood, wanted space pirate and captain of the Pulsating Purple Parsnip. Brandi decides to join Robin’s crew of sexual deviants and freedom fighters in their quest to provide the galaxy with an endless supply of cheap adult toys and even cheaper laughter.
 
Here's the link to download it:

http://www.extasybooks.com/captured-by-space-pirates/?search=celine%20chatillon&sub_category=1

Enjoy! (And let me know what you think. Please leave a comment here or better yet, at Amazon or Goodreads. Thank you.)

Is this it? The Final Chapter in Brandi's Memoirs?

This is it... The tenth and final chapter in my memoirs, Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures. I know I'd like these stories to go on and on and on and on, but my ghostwriter has moved on to writing other things, and the publisher isn't acting all that enthusiastic, either. If you'd like to read more about my exciting life, please let her know at celinechatillon @ hotmail.com and maybe we'll get her back on track, eh?

Until then, yours always--
Brandi

XXX

  Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures: Chapter 10 -- 
Brandi Strikes Back

 http://www.extasybooks.com/Brandi-Strikes-Back/

As Chapter 10 opens, Brandi must find a way to disable her android replicas on Old Terra to prevent the interdimensional bandits from invading the universe. But the Pulsating Purple Parsnip is temporarily grounded. What can they do? Hijacking a spaceship and commanding her own crew of androids, Brandi strikes back the only way she knows how, using her wits and sexuality. Will Brandi and Robin survive the battle to discover their own happily ever after?

An excerpt from Chapter 10 – Brandi Strikes Back (Adults only!)

“Harder—I can take it in this form.” A Robin slipped his erection between my android’s lips and I—my replica, that is—began to suck greedily. “Hmm, chocolate-mint flavored cum?”

“It’s what a large majority of females indicated in a survey was their favorite flavor, so why not?” Juanito seemed to have withdrawn his consciousness from his ass-fucking friend and moved over to the Robin receiving my tongue’s attention to his dick. “Now that’s what I call a blow job. Oo, oo! I don’t want to come too soon. Let me switch again.”

Before I knew it, I felt my duplicate lifted and shifted into a new position to accommodate a Robin replica’s member in my cunt. I eagerly impaled my replica’s pussy upon the waiting cock and wasn’t disappointed. With all my duplicate’s holes fully lubricated and occupied, I was enjoying myself immensely.

“Keep up the good work, boys,” I mumbled between licks of the luscious dick dangling in front of my android’s face. The ass and cunt fuckers kept up a steady and powerful rhythm, spiraling their strokes hard against my clit. I teetered on the edge of a monstrous orgasm. Then I felt my real-world partner moving his hands from cupping my buttocks to finagling with his headset, and it distracted me.

I frowned. “Whatever are you doing?”

“Something I haven’t tried before—I’m going to take in the feed from three replicas simultaneously. Get ready for a wild ride, Brandi Whyne!”

I knew what was going to happen next. After all, Juanito only wanted a quickie, but I was determined to enjoy my full share of pleasure. I rocked my hips hard against the cocks thrusting into me and tightened my pelvic muscles. I pulled the dick between my lips deeper still into my—her—throat and activated a sub-routine called the vacuum that popped up in front of my android’s viewing area. Juanito squealed and pressed my ass harder against the spaceship landing gear.

“Here we come all at once!” Juanito cried.

The taste of chocolate-mint filled my mouth—gallons of it, or so it seemed. I felt the prince’s puny pecker stiffen and shake within me as my android enjoyed the no-so-tender ministrations of the three Robins’ cocks’ intense vibrations. Their pussy and ass pounding triggered a series of mind-expanding climaxes that built and waned and built and waned, going on for what felt like forever. With one last hard thrust to my cunt and a tonsil-tickling kiss of thanks from one of my satisfied customers, I collapsed to the ground and the world went dark.

Brandi Strikes Back is available at eXtasy Books: http://www.extasybooks.com/Brandi-Strikes-Back/ 

Chapters 1 - 10 are available at eXtasy Books, AR ebooks, and wherever fine ebooks are sold. Here's the link where you can find them all at the best price:

http://www.extasybooks.com/brandi-whyne/

Now available--Chapter 9: To Lay the Dirty Queen

 Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly 
Erotic Adventures:  Chapter 9
--To Lay the Dirty Queen

As Chapter 9 opens, Brandi finds herself at the hands of dirty Queen Broomhilda and a dozen horny ladies-in-waiting. After a bit of fun, she escapes and discovers renegade Prince Juanito has been creating android replicas of King Ricardo’s court. Will these mechanoid sex workers overthrow the monarch, or do they play only a small part in a much grander scheme devised by Robin’s evil ex, Marian? Can Brandi defeat an army of her own android clones?

To Lay the Dirty Queen is available from eXtasy Books, Amazon, All Romance ebooks, and wherever fine ebooks are sold. 

Brandi has infiltrated the dirty queen's bath in this excerpt from Chapter 9 – To Lay the Dirty Queen:

 “Allow me to help you.” My curvy wanton picked up a wash mitt and poured a drop of bath gel onto it, then leaned over the side and began soaping my breasts in slow, circular motions, inwardly spiraling toward my pert nipples. “It’s the least I can do for all the fun you showed us this evening.”

I sighed. “Thanks. You girls don’t have a good time every night?”

She made a sad pout. “Most nights, no. The queen kicks us out of her bedchamber whenever she has company. Our personal quarters are rather small, so we can’t get up to much activity.”

These women weren’t flesh and blood, so why did they even need private quarters? Couldn’t they just all line up in a closet and switch off when they weren’t needed? An odd notion occurred to me. I sensed that my sexy hostesses didn’t realize they were synthetic creations. Did they not know they were androids?

“I’m so sorry to hear you all don’t have much time for fun.” My sympathy was genuine, and my curiosity goaded me to keep questioning her. “What is your name, my dear? Where are you from?”

Her expression instantly lit up. “I’m Chelsie. I’m originally from a small town two hours south of the capital by the bullet train.” She plunged the mink-like mitt between my thighs and gave it a swirl about my clitoris. I jumped up and squealed, then gave her a quick peck on the cheek for her cheekiness. She giggled. “I like you, Brandi.”

“I like you, too, Chelsie. You seem an honest, sensible, young lady.” And one that didn’t seem to know that she wasn’t human. Or was it an act? I was about to question her some more when we were interrupted by my cinnamon-skinned lover who had been observing us from across the way for some time.

“Sensible isn’t the word I’d use to describe Miss Chelsie,” the exotic beauty murmured. She struck a daring pose, hands on slender hips, her naked pelvis thrust forward revealing her shaven pussy, her rosy-brown nipples pointing straight ahead, mesmerizing me.

I took a deep breath to calm my over-stimulated nerves, currently being stimulated nicely by Chelsie’s digits. “Ooo, if she’s not sensible, how would you describe Chelsie, then?”   

“I’d describe Chelsie as curious and ready to shag at a moment’s notice.” Cinnamon strode toward the tub and shook her head. “Oh, no, no, no. You can’t get her cleaned properly that way. Let’s get Brandi into the shower booth. You take one side. I’ll take the other.”

Chelsie giggled. “Oh, yes, please.”

Sometimes I don’t know what gets into me—well, that’s not exactly true. Huge strap-ons and men’s cocks get into me frequently, but sometimes girls just want to have fun…with each other in a shower. 

Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures:  Chapter 9--To Lay the Dirty Queen is available from eXtasy Books and wherever fine ebooks are sold.
 

Chapter 8: Brandi Courts Disaster!

Is it the beginning of the end for Brandi and company? Find out in the next three chapters of her ongoing memoirs, coming from eXtasy Books August 15...

Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly 

Erotic Adventures: 

Chapter 8--Brandi Courts Disaster

http://www.extasybooks.com/Brandi-Courts-Disaster

What do you get when Star Wars meets Sherwood Forest? Mix in a little Fanny Hill and The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and you get Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures (with Robin Manhood and His Totally Sexed-Out Space Pirates). With a series title that long, you know it’s going to be filled with loads of laughs, tons of sci-fi fun and plenty of hot sex!

In Chapter 8, the space pirates long to discover what K.R.A.P.P. and the android Marian are up to, but first, Brandi needs to discipline Willie for fibbing about his past. A little demonstration and another great orgy later, the Triple P arrives at Old Terra and comes under attack. Can Brandi and company out-prank a prankster, survive a crash landing, and pull the plug on henpecked King Ricardo’s evil queen before it’s too late?

You can purchase chapters 1 - 7 at eXtasy Books, Amazon and wherever fine e-books are sold! Click this link for the best price: Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures

An excerpt from Brandi Courts Disaster--where Brandi must "discipline" Scarlett Willie and Captain Robin Manhood.
 

What could I to do with these two horny superior officers standing before me? They needed to be taught the ways of etiquette and how to treat a lady.

Of course, born of humble birth, I was no lady. But I was all woman, deserving nothing less than their best manners.

“On your knees, you scurvy dogs. Now!” I grabbed the short whip off the podium, the one my teacher and lover Zelda had bestowed upon me before she left the Triple P. I gave the whip a good crack near their ears. They did as they were told. The crowd hushed and leaned forward, drooling with expectation.

“Be careful with that thing. I’m deaf now in that ear,” Willie moaned.

I strolled toward him and smacked the whip playfully across his buttocks. “Better?”

Willie flinched, but smiled. “Much better.”

I turned to Robin and noticed his serious expression and rigid posture. “Captain, you have assumed the correct position and seem ready to accept your discipline. Is that correct?”

“Aye, aye, Madam Ship’s Counselor. I will accept discipline as you see fit to give it.”

I leaned closer to him and rubbed my aching breasts against his shoulders. “You seem a bit too eager to accept punishment, Captain, which makes me a bit suspicious.”

That seemed to catch him off guard. He raised a dark eyebrow. “Suspicious? Why, I’m only trying to cooperate fully, madam.”

 I took my nipples, which pointed through the thin silk of my poet’s shirt, and slowly rubbed them against his back. I was satisfied to hear his breathing increase in expectation. “You wish to demonstrate the wisdom in following orders and in not contradicting the officer in charge,” I murmured.

He nodded. “Exactly.”

I quickly removed my shirt and tossed it aside, allowing my cut-out lace bra to force my bared breasts higher. The audience politely applauded. I then did likewise and removed Robin’s green top. “So, if one cooperates,” I began as I danced my nipples across the bare skin of his back, “one would hope to be rewarded for one’s obedience, yes?”

Robin moaned as he leaned back against me. “Hmm, yes, one would hope.”

 

 Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly 

Erotic Adventures:  Chapter 8--Brandi Courts Disaster

 from eXtasy Books.

She's coming--again (and again)!

Heads up, darlings... I've whipped my ghost writer Celine into shape and told her to get back to work on my memoirs. Two more chapters are currently in the works. Tentative release date for the first book is August 15, 2015 from eXtasy Books.

Chapter 8 is entitled Brandi Courts Disaster and takes place on Old Terra in the court of King Ricardo the Party Pooper. That doesn't mean Brandi and the gang of space pirates won't have fun, because we all know that Brandi can have fun no matter what the circumstances (or whoever she has to go to bed with). ;)

Chapter 9 is called To Lay the Dirty Queen and that's sort of what happens...along with a few other things. Brandi will start putting two-and-two together and come up with some great group sex--or at least answers to some of the questions she and Robin Manhood have been searching for throughout their sexually repressed galaxy. Space pirates who distribute adult toys have to deal with so many obstacles!

If you need to catch up with all the sci-fi/fantasy/comedic erotic-romantic action so far, check out chapters 1 - 7 at eXtasy Books. They've been having some very good sales on ebooks lately, so buy now and buy in bulk. You know I appreciate it. ;)

Here's the link to the entire series/serial so far:
http://www.extasybooks.com/brandi-whyne

Until later, be good--or at least be nice to your lovers!
Brandi 
X X X

Happy Talk Like a Space Pirate Day Once More

Hello Darlings! 

I've been quiet lately because my ghost writer Celine has been busy with her "real life". (As if my fictional life isn't just as important? Hmph!) 

Happy Talk Like a Space Pirate Day from a sexy space pirate herself. I may yet get Celine back to writing my memoirs... There's been some good news from our publisher, and I don't want to jinx it, but it could mean Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures may go into print. 

Keep your fingers and pirate hooks crossed that it comes to pass, me mateys! ;)

Until then, I will always be your faithful (and very naughty), 

Brandi

X X X

Kindle ebooks and a $5 store credit--check it out!

Here's a bit of news you may enjoy from my ghostwriter...

Some great news from my publisher, eXtasy Books!

Because of a bad web server and the web site crashing this past week, publisher Tina Haveman has issued the following statement:

"All customers [will be] given 5 dollar credit for the bad experience of the last few days... They don't have to spend 20 dollars to use the credit. It's a gift from us that they can use right away."

Yes, that's right--you can get free ebooks with this credit with no wait. :)

And here's some more great news--Kindle versions of all Devine Destinies/eXtasy Books are available now at the publisher's web sites. Experience great customer service at the best prices in one of the most popular e-formats out there today.

Be sure to consider purchasing one of my books with your $5 credit!

Celine

http://www.celinechatillon.com

My book listings at eXtasy Books:
http://www.extasybooks.com/index.php?route=product%2Fauthor&author_id=930

My book listings at Devine Destinies Books:
http://www.devinedestinies.com/index.php?route=product/author&author_id=902

A Real-Life Reading from BRANDI WHYNE AND HER INCREDIBLY EROTIC ADVENTURES

Wow!

Celine (my lazy ghost writer) has gotten off her curvy backside and got herself an author's reading this Saturday night at Shameless Grounds in St. Louis. Here are the details:

Join St. Louis area Science fiction/ fantasy/paranormal/historical/erotica/erotic-romance writers Zo Leavy, Elizabeth Donald, AJ Matthews and me (disguised as Celine Chatillon) this Saturday, December 3, 8 PM, at Shameless Grounds (2650 Sidney) in St. Louis. We'll each be reading selections from our works, taking your questions, comments and generally having a good time while we all sip some java or enjoy the other fine eats available at Shameless Grounds.

A guaranteed good time to be had by one and all! (I'll be reading excerpts from the first book in my eXtasy Book series BRANDI WHYNE AND HER INCREDIBLY EROTIC ADVENTURES.) ;)

Celine
http://www.celinechatillon.com
http://tinyurl.com/celineatextasy

About time! I can't wait to see how the audience reacts to my daring and oh-so-erotic adventures. See you there! ;)

Brandi's Best Revenge is now in the building!

BRANDI WHYNE AND HER INCREDIBLY EROTIC ADVENTURES: Chapter 7--Brandi's Best Revenge! :)

Now available from eXtasy books in various e-formats:

http://www.extasybooks.com/brandi-whyne-7-3/

or http://tinyurl.com/brandi-7

Here's the quick synopsis:

In Chapter 7, Brandi’s Best Revenge, the crew of the Pulsating Purple Parsnip encounter their time bandit contact in their own dimension—Robin‘s ex-girlfriend, Marian Maidenform. But all is not quite as it seems aboard Marian‘s ship, and seducing the hunky android Andrew becomes part of Brandi‘s revenge against the cold yet sexy woman who broke Robin‘s heart. But what does K.R.A.P.P. have to do with the balance of power on Old Terra? Brandi and her pals are determined to find out.

And don't forget, you can receive your very own PDF copy of "Outrageous Extended Excerpts" from all the chapters (well, up to number 6) by simply dropping my ghost writer, the slow-to-update-blogs Celine, an email with "Free Ebook" in the subject line. celinechatillon @ hotmail.com  

I'll be sure to spank her if she doesn't send it to you right away... After all, I am "ship's counselor and disciplinarian". ;)

A very hot excerpt will be posted soon, too. Celine says she'll get right onto it... My velvet whip can be a very enticing instrument. ;)

********

The excerpt from Brandi's Best Revenge! is now available on its very own page:


http://brandi-whyne.blogspot.com/p/excerpt-from-latest-chapter-brandis.html


That way you don't have to scroll down to find it at a later date. Enjoy!

Celine


(Was that okay, Mistress Brandi?)

A spankin' hot excerpt from Lashed at the Mast!

Celine's just home from "Friday Foreplay" on the eX Factor Yahoogroup email loop (what the hell is "email" anyway?)  and she asked me if I could post this excerpt from the second chapter in my fascinating memoirs, Lashed at the Mast! Of course I said yes... I enjoy a good spanking scene as much as the next person! ;-)

An excerpt from Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures: Chapter 2--Lashed at the Mast! now available from eXtasy Books: http://tinyurl.com/brandiwhyne2




Robin winked at me and said under his breath, “Follow along with Zelda and I promise you’ll enjoy your punishment.”


“What if I don’t wish to be tamed?” I replied tartly. “What then?”


A throaty chuckle burst from his lips. He slipped a hand into my panties and felt the wetness growing there. “You’ll want to be tamed. Believe me—you’ll want to.”


“Captain.” Zelda came close to my right side and presented her violet whip to him. “You have the honor.”


I cringed. The whip was small but I could tell it packed a punch. I began wriggling my hands free of their bindings. Robin placed a comforting hand on my shoulder to still my anxious movement.


“No need. I prefer the ‘hands on’ approach.” He waggled an eyebrow at me and turned to face the crew. “I think everyone here today agrees. What say you?”


“Aye, aye!” the cheers rang out.


“I can’t wait to get my hands on that luscious ass…” I heard Dr. Kwak muttering. From the corner of my eye I spied him hiking up my ruffled skirt. The sicko really seemed to get off on wearing women’s clothing, obvious by his erection proudly poking out from beneath his petticoats. Correction—my petticoats.


Before I knew what hit me Robin ripped my lacy white panties off my bottom and applied pressure with a determined spank across my exposed butt cheeks. I jumped at the rough surprise, but held fast to the mast as he repeated the process several times. Now was not the time to show weakness.


“Naughty girl.”


Scarlet-faced Willie had sauntered over to my side and began rubbing his sticky staff against my left buttock’s burning flesh. The slow, sensual touch of his cock against my stinging bottom made my pussy muscles clench. I threw back my head and moaned.


“You like that, eh?” Willie muttered, spreading his juices across my other butt cheek. “You want me to keep doing it?”


“She likes it too much,” Zelda interrupted, stepping closer. She shoved her breasts close to my flushed face. “Don’t you?”


Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures: Chapter 2--Lashed at the Mast! now available from eXtasy Books: http://tinyurl.com/brandiwhyne2 and at Amazon for the Kindle format and wherever naughty books are sold!

Remember: Readers Wanted at Friday Foreplay ~ Back by popular demand! You never know what may happen when those who love laughter, contests, and wicked HOT books get together for a day of celebration! Curious? Join us every week for Friday Foreplay, all day and into the night!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/theexfactor/

Brandi Rides Again!

Coming Soon from eXtasy Books...

What do you get when Star Wars meets Sherwood Forest? Mix in a little Pirates of the Caribbean, Fanny Hill and The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and you get Brandi Whyne… And Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures with Robin Manhood and His Totally Sexed-Out Space Pirates. With a series title that long, you know it’s going to be filled with loads of laughs, tons of sci-fi fun and plenty of hot sex!

In Chapter Six, Kidnapped by Time Bandits, Brandi is sucked into an alternate dimension and forced to do a little sucking on some not-so-nice space pirates—including Robin Limpdick, the evil twin of her own lover Robin Manhood. After a good licking, she meets Captain Jacques Swallows and his right hand man Francois who put her to the test. Can Brandi convince the Time Bandits that the crew of the Pulsating Purple Parsnip can do more than just throw a great orgy?


Kidnapped by Time Bandits! is not quite yet available for sale at eXtasy Books, but you can catch up on her first five adventures at the links below:

Captured by Space Pirates!

Lashed at the Mast!

Bound for Adventure

Little John's Big Problem

The Search for Brandi's Crack


More info, excerpts and review blurbs at this link: http://www.cynthianna.com/brandi.html

Here's hoping you'll become a part of my fan club until then!



Steal this banner--put it up at your blog or web site. Help spread the word about Brandi Whyne's Incredibly Erotic Adventures! ;)

This Chick Has it Going On...

I'm floored by my pal Celine's video prowess! This book trailer for The Hetzenberg Chronicles is really intriguing. Check it out and buy the book so she'll make some more of these entertaining things!


You Tube "Smiling Assassin Presents" Channel:

http://www.youtube.com/user/cynthianna63?feature=mhsn

Smiling Assassin Presents...

Check out this new video showcasing some original and functional designs for the most discriminating SF/Fantasy/Steampunk enthusiast:


Smiling Assassin Presents...




Enjoy! (And don't forget to contact them early with your holiday orders.) ;)

http://www.smilingassassin.com

"Original and Functional art for gamers and SF fans"

From my first memoir...

For those of you who aren't personally acquainted with my writings, I thought I'd post a short excerpt from my first memoir: Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures: Chapter 1--Captured by Space Pirates! Enjoy.

From Brandi Whyne and Her Incredibly Erotic Adventures with Robin Manhood and His Totally Sexed-Out Space Pirates
a serialized novel available from eXtasy Books (http://www.extasybooks.com)
(Copyright 2006 Celine Chatillon, all rights reserved)

(Editor's note: This excerpt is an edited “PG-13” version. I didn’t want to offend too many readers off the bat. If you want to read all the good and naughty bits—then buy the bloody book! --Brandi)

It’s difficult to know where to begin my tale—so fantastic an adventure it is, and oh, so incredibly erotic. I suppose the best place to start would be at the very beginning.

Not at my beginning. To go that far back would simply bore you to tears. I know it would bore me, so let’s not go there at all. Agreed? I really should have phrased that first sentence better.

Allow me to start again.

The best place to start is when I first met the space pirates. Or to put it even more accurately, Robin Manhood and his totally sexed-out space pirates.

I know what you’re thinking now “What does she mean by ‘totally sexed-out space pirates’?” It’s a valid question. But if I told you everything at the start of this saga, it would take away from the suspense, now wouldn’t it? Besides, it will become obvious in a few pages what I mean about the space pirates and their sexual appetites. Can you hang on until then? You can? Thanks.

Okay, now that we’ve settled that point, I’ll start my story on the day I, Brandi Whyne, met Captain Robin Manhood and his so-called band of Merry Men, Women, and Aliens-Whose-Genders-Are-Still-Under-Consideration.

Got that? Good—because I’m not repeating it.

I was twenty-two years old and working that day—strike that, slaving is a more accurate term for what I did—at the Black Whole, a smoky, seedy spaceport bar owned and operated by my aunt, Cruilla DeVino on the planet Proxima Centauri Five.

I use the term ‘aunt’ somewhat loosely to describe dear Cruilla, for I was never certain of our family relationship. With her toothless grin, greasy, matted gray hair, two meter height, one-hundred kilogram weight and her constant chuma leaf chewing and spitting, she bore little resemblance to me—a petite yet curvy, auburn-haired, freckled-face girl with all my teeth.

All I really knew about Cruilla was that after both my parents died in a crash landing of a top secret, experimental spacecraft on the other side of the planet (when I was a mere twelve years old) I was sent off to slave alongside Cruilla at the Black Whole. And I can honestly say that there has never been a more educational apprenticeship experienced by an impressionable young girl in the known history of the universe.

“Bring us more ale,” the old space dogs would bark at me from their sticky barstools from sundown to sun-up. “And bring us another bowl of those little salty peanuts so we can get eat them and get even more dehydrated than we do while consuming large quantities of alcohol so we can consume even more alcohol…” or some such nonsense. The Black Whole wasn’t famous for its intelligent clientele by any means.

Fetching mugs of space ale, delivering bowls of peanuts and wiping off sticky barstools was the whole of my existence until about my sixteenth birthday… And then our patrons’ jeering took on a more lascivious tone. But I soon discovered a way to keep the lusty louts’ hands off my curves. By the time Robin Manhood arrived on the scene, I had polished my comeback lines so well they had become true performance art.

“Hey, Brandi,” one particularly thickheaded gentleman missing half his teeth and all of his wits, charm and pocket change called out. His drinking buddies laughed and punched him on the arm. “Pull down that blouse of yours and let us see something. Flip up that skirt and show us that curvy backside of yours up close and personal, sweetheart.”

What can I say? Their manners were appalling. That’s the Black Whole’s clientele for you. It was time to teach these scumbags a lesson.

“Oh, what an eloquent pick-up line. To have this innate ability to wax poetic… Ah! It makes me my heart sing... Your mother must be very proud of you and your lyrical abilities.”

“Eh?” The cretin cocked an eyebrow and stared at me, drool pooling in the corner of his crooked mouth. “You sayin’ you really wanna do it with me?”

I batted my thick, curly eyelashes, smiled coyly and leaned in for the kill. “Why, kind sir, how can I refuse? You are a true master of romance.”

His eyes were practically on stalks now. “Say wha…?”

As his brain was probably the size of his manhood—miniscule—I tried to make it easy for him. I spoke slowly and distinctly.
“Okay, I’m game, Romeo. Pull it out and show me what you got, big guy.”

Quite a large crowd gathered around us now, murmuring encouraging words. “Woo-hoo! You better show the little lady what she wants before she changes her mind.”

I held out a hand and cut off their banter. “But first, let me remind you all of one important thing…”

I leveled a stare at the entire assembly and lowered my voice to gain their utmost attention to the seriousness of what I was about to say.

“I have taken a sacred vow of celibacy at the Shrine of the Goddess of Fertility, Fun and Family Planning that I will never make love to a man unless he measures up to my intimate expectations.”

“Uh, you want me to pull my manhood out and lay it on the bar?” The imbecile hadn’t quite caught on yet and wanted me to spell it out to him. Meanwhile, his drunken companions howled with laughter at his expense. Foolishly, I egged him on.

“Of course. I must measure it. I’ve made a vow to the goddess. You don’t want me to go back on my vow, do you?”

“No, no, of course not. It’s just I…I…”

“He ain’t got one!” jeered one of his buddies.

“Hey, I got one and you know it! You take that back, Bernard.”

The entire bar was in on the joke now. Sniggering and chortling, back slapping and booze sputtering echoed from the top of the smoke-stained rafters down to the mud-encrusted tile of the floors.

Now, if I had been thinking at this point rather than enjoying a rather good laugh at a customer’s expense, I would have made good my escape to the back while Henry and Bernard’s buddies taunted them about their masculinity. But I didn’t. I joined in on the merrymaking, even reaching across the counter to retrieve my ruler…

“Gotcha.” Henry pinned my hand to the surface. “Get her other arm, Bernard. We’ll show Miss Brandi and our comrades here who’s a pansy and who isn’t.”

At this point I believe I should make mention that I had taken a vow at the Shrine of the Goddess of Fun, Fertility and Family Planning. It wasn’t quite the vow that I used to tease my customers. However, it was made along similar lines.

My vow was simply this: I would never give myself to a man until the goddess gave me a sign indicating that he was the right man for me. So allowing myself to get raped on a bar countertop—and a sticky, cigar ash and peanut-covered one at that—was right out of the picture.

“Aunt Cruilla!” I cried as the creeps crushed me to the bar spread-eagle. Even now Henry was fumbling with his belt buckle as Bernard reached under my full skirts... “I need a little assistance here!”

Cruilla sauntered out from the back office and clucked at me like she did when she wasn’t too happy. “Brandi, I told you a million times not to wipe off tables with your backside. Now, get your knickers back on and climb off that counter this instance before I dock your pay.”

Then my dear auntie disappeared into her cubbyhole once more.

Henry and Bernard weren’t about to let me go with so weak a protest on the owner’s part. And their buddies were all starting to drool and fumble with their belts as well… I opened my mouth to scream but found my own bar towel shoved inside, muffling my cries.

This was it. The end of my purity and perhaps my life. It was all I could do not to break into tears.

But then when all hope seemed lost, a commotion starting behind me shot a warm glimmer of hope through my anguished soul. A shadowy character from the last booth on the right emerged. I hadn’t paid much attention to him before, as he had pulled his hood low over his face and kept pretty much to himself all evening. But now the hum of a pocket-sized laser zap-knife and the cries of agony permeated the air along with the smoky-sweet stench of burning flesh.

“Eegads, no!” screamed many a drunken bar patron that night as he quickly zipped up his fly and made a made dash to the door. “Please, anything but that! My missus would never forgive me if I came home without my few inches!”

Within seconds, Henry and Bernard and their cronies were limping out the exit... I slowly pulled myself to a sitting position and flung the rag from my mouth, eager to thank my rescuer.

But he was gone.

“Brandi, get off the bar top,” Cruilla called out from her office. “How many times do I have to tell you, girl?”

“Sorry, Aunt Cruilla.”

I hopped down and rushed to the smudged front window. A towering figure dressed in a flowing, dark green, hooded cloak strode quickly away from the Black Whole.

My champion. My savior.

And he hadn’t even bothered to tell me his name.

Good, eh? Wanna read more? The links to buy this fantastic piece of comedy-erotic literature are above. Get your arse moving and click on them! --Brandi

Happy Talk Like a SPACE Pirate Day!!

Avast ye, mateys!

Oh, all right... I'll can the silly pirate talk. I'm not that type of pirate anyway--I'm a space pirate. Really. My name is Brandi Whyne, and I'm a fictional character who has taken over the mind of my author, Celine Chatillon. She's a dear, but a bit of ditz. I got "free" of her uptight subsconscious one day and started having my own adventures without her. And now she'll have to read all about them in my blog because I ain't telling her what all I'm up to!

I've written my "memoirs" (or at least part of them, anyway) and the first five "chapters" are available from eXtasy Books. Look them up under Celine's name--she claims authorship of them, the poor dear. I mean--they're my stories, my "incredibly erotic adventures" as I call them. The suppressed woman wouldn't have a clue how to handle an orgy if it wasn't for me. But she'll learn.

If you want to read up on my memoirs (thus far), you can check out excerpts, blurbs and review quotes at http://www.celinechatillon.com/brandi.html (Hopefully this link is working. The server is being switched over this week and Celine's site went walkabouts somehow. But the problem is being addressed.)

Yes, Celine is nice enough to let me use her web site. The writing wench, that she is, she'll appreciate any comments you would like to make about it, her work, or my fantastic blog. Just leave a comment below... and if you're a cute humanoid who travels in my universe, be sure to leave your address so I can look you up and detail all our erotic adventures for my next saucy chapter. ;)

But if you want to be a drab, boring Old Terran, then check out this web site about the more conventional types of pirates:

Talk like a Pirate Day—September 19
http://www.chaoskitty.com/webzen/david_byrne_pirates.php


Yo ho ho...

Brandi